Doubt

*I first published this on February 25, 2018 in the Reformed Journal.

I know you worry about your doubt. You have been taught that your doubt is tolerable, but not desirable.

I love your doubt.

I love your questions, your unknowing, your confusion.

Your doubt has so many good questions, questions guided by love, questions that lead to life.

Your doubt withholds judgment, sees broken people.

Your certainty loves the right ideas, is easily outraged.

Your certainty has no room for questions, no need for seeking, no need for anything new.

I see your pain in your doubt. Your certainty hides your pain from me, and it is our pain that connects us.

Your certainty fears my doubt. Your certainty desires my certainty. But I have no certainty to give you.

I used to have certainty. But my certainty scared others, shamed them. It shamed me too, because I had doubt.

My certainty needed to dominate all doubt. But my doubt did not wish to become certainty. It was content to be doubt.

So I let go of my certainty. It was scary, but I don’t miss it.

I was left with my doubt.

My doubt is unconventional and creative, full of ideas.

My doubt is gentle and kind, and so is your doubt.

Your doubt sees me, accepts me, comforts me. Your doubt does not need to change me.

Your doubt is gracious and inviting. Your doubt reaches out and touches me. It brings me life.

So don’t hide your doubt from me.

Your doubt is beautiful.